I’m a creator, watch me grow // The struggles of identifying as your hobby

Can I admit something to you? I found it incredibly hard to figure out the first part of this posts’ title: I’m a(n) _____.

There’s something about labels that makes things feel so… official. And since I’m currently doing this art thing predominantly for fun, where there’s no income involved or group I’m apart of or published work to present, I almost feel like a fraud for applying such a label to myself.

Is that normal? Or am I being just being crazy?

Originally I was going to say I’m an illustrator. Because in a way I think you could consider what I do here on the blog to be illustrative work. I create images to go with and help communicate some aspects of my post. (Well, not this post specifically, this is mostly one of those: look, here’s a bunch of random girls I drew out of magazines posts.) But does that really count? Most illustrators design for books and magazines. Official stuff. Group efforts. Published work. I don’t feel right putting myself with them.

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Have I found my art style yet?

One of the hardest things about illustrating again is attempting to figure out my “style”. I try not to think too much about it because I believe in many ways it can be counter-productive, but I would be lying if I said that part of me doesn’t want to be able to look at my work and see traces of consistency.

Of course, the funny thing is, oftentimes when I post my illustrations on the blog or on Instagram, my friends will respond and say “Your drawings are so you!” or “I can always recognize when one of your illustrations pops up in my feed.” How do they recognize my style when I don’t? To me, the illustrations I posted in my last art update, were sort of all over the place. Some had dark outlines, some had lines in their hair, some had (bad) coloring, etc. I mean, variation is great and I like each of those pieces for one reason or another, but to me it was still very obvious that I was just trying to get used to creating again.

I’m happy to say though that with this next batch of illustrations, I see a consistency and I really like the results. And it’s not even because most of my illustrations are based on the same photo shoot, though I’m sure that helps. I just see a connection here between each image where even though they contain different personalities and looks, they all represent a similar style.

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I’m creating again, reasons be damned.

Illustration based on Nov 2016 Vogue: "Flower of the Flock" || Asti @ bit.ly/atypicalnarrative
Reference: Vogue, November 2016 ed, “Flower of the Flock” (p. 207)

I have to admit, it’s been a long time since I last sat down and allowed myself to create freely. Something about creating without a purpose has always felt wasteful and not allowed in my mind. I could flex my creative muscles if it were for a blog post or to go with a letter I was mailing to a friend, but to create for just the sake of creating? Well, that mostly hasn’t been the case for me since high school. (And believe me kids, that was a long, long time ago.)

The only exception has always been during my depressive episodes in which I turn towards creating to escape the thoughts of my racing brain. I find it’s one of the few things in life that absorbs me fully and brings me a sense of peace (which actually seems a bit counter-intuitive as a perfectionist who can always find something to hate in everything I do).

With my last fall into that dark world, I finally realized that my creating doesn’t have to be limited to bad times. If it helps me when I’m feeling down, surely it can make me feel even better when I’m feeling up. And so, over the last few months, I have created regularly again, without a reason, and it feels great.

Continue reading “I’m creating again, reasons be damned.”